Johnny Depp and eyeshadow: their magic code unlocked

Scientists have proven there is a statistical correlation between eye shadow and Johnny Depp which equates to financial success.

It’s not clear when and where eye shadow and Johnny Depp were first introduced to each other, but it seems their on-going relationship has proved immensely profitable for Hollywood producers. Cinema goers just can’t get enough of the crazy couple.

Some of the films eye shadow and Johnny Depp have worked together on. From right to left: Edward Scissorhands; Pirates of the Caribbean; Sweeney Todd; Alice in Wonderland; Dark Shadows; Corpse Bride; Lone Ranger (forthcoming).

Indeed, extensive research by the University of Böredom has revealed a stunning correlation between the quantity of eye shadow Depp uses, and the success of his films.

“Over the years, Depp has trusted more and more in the enigmatic power of eye shadow,” explains Dr Nónsence, a leading expert in the field of eye shadow psychology. “It seems that, where most men run the risk of becoming effeminate, eye shadow seems to compliment Depp’s particular expressions (namely scowling) in a way which heightens his awesomeness. As a result, we can see that there is a per milligram correspondence between the quantity of eye shadow used, and the revenue success of films made.”

Dr Nónsence goes on to explain that films where Depp has used little eye shadow, such as Corpse Bride and Edward Scissorhands have generated a lot less revenue than those of films where he has gone nuts with the stuff. Figure 1 demonstrates his findings.

Fig. 1 showing revenue generated by eyeshadow and Depp

So why exactly is this the case? I put the question to Dr Nónsence.

“We have been asking ourselves this exact question since the start of time,” he explains earnestly. “Ever since man first started going to war as an excuse to try out different coloured face paints, we have been entranced by the mysterious allure of the shadow. The curiosity is engrained into our genetic code, “How can I enhance the prettiness of my eyes?”. But while women have blazed a trail in the mastery of this science over the years, men have been slow to follow. It seems Depp is one of the few to have cracked it.”

But while Dr Nónsence is quick to acknowledge the success of Depp and eye shadow, he tells me that pinning down exactly how normal people can replicate a similar level of awesomeness is not so easy. “We may never get to the bottom of the mystery,” he announces, crestfallen.

Kung Fu Panda is one of the few celebrities quick off the mark to follow in Depp’s eye shadow success.

Indeed, while others have been left wondering quite how Depp does it, there have been those quick to adopt his mantra of “more is better”. Kung Fu Panda, the Joker and Zorro are just a few of the celebrities to have cashed in on the benefits to great success. However, there have also been those that have missed the mark. Batman (George Clooney version) springs uncomfortably to mind.

So, where to from here? Can Depp really sustain this level of success by scowling in eye shadow forever? “As long as Tim Burton is around, then yes,” is Dr Nónsence’s succinct answer. Is this a bad thing? “Not really, they still make great films.”

Moreover, Dr Nónsence predicts a time when Depp will only appear in films with copious amounts of eye shadow. “Yes, I think we are fast approaching that stage. It is inevitable. Almost as inevitable as George Clooney receiving Oscar nominations for being George Clooney.”

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