Interview with a cartoon hero: Papa Smurf

 Visionary, magic man, genius. Papa Smurf is in the hot-seat.

Papa Smurf. Just don’t get on the wrong side of him

Interviewer:      So, Papa Smurf, when did you first realise you were a communist?

Papa Smurf:       What the smurf do you mean?

Interviewer:      Well, you wear red, you have a Marxist beard, and the whole structure of smurf society is based upon common ownership.

Papa Smurf:       Smurf smurf smurf

Interviewer:      I’m sorry…what?

Papa Smurf:       I just answered your question.

Interviewer:     Did you? Would you mind giving me an English translation?

Papa Smurf:      (sighs) I said: “Oh, I see. Well, many years ago I concocted a potion that allowed me to travel through time to the future. When I was there I saw the economic difficulty humans had encountered and decided it would be best to dispense with a monetary system altogether. Using pure skills and favours makes us invulnerable to recession and also bypasses the nitty-gritty politics that might lead a smurf to be too big for their smurfs.” You see? It’s easier to say all of that in smurf.

Interviewer:      Wow, you said all of that with just one word?

Papa Smurf:       No, I said it all with three words. Keep up.

Interviewer:      Of course, my apologies. So what’s it like to be three apples high?

Papa Smurf:       Very comfortable when you are in smurf village, but a lot more cumbersome when you are in human land. I’ve been pushing for councils to improve smurf access in a number of public buildings.  Also, being three apples high can be dangerous since we fit neatly into a cooking pot, and Gargamel always seems to want to boil us.

Interviewer:      Yes, Gargamel is a complex man. What’s his beef with the smurfs?

Papa Smurf:       He thinks that we are a vital ingredient to his research into alchemy, but he needs the Philosopher’s Stone to make it all work. I don’t think he realises Dumbledore still has it. He needs to get out more.

Interviewer:      Who would win in a fight between you and Dumbledore?

Papa Smurf:       I’m over half a millennium old and I’ve got mad skills when it comes to potions. That’s all I’m smurfing for now.

Interviewer:     Smurfs seem to be a largely patriarchal society. There are only three female smurfs, and none of them are known for their particular skill. Why is this?

Papa Smurf:       Smurf smurf smurf

Interviewer:      Er…care to elaborate? Why is there a disproportionate number of male smurfs?

Papa Smurf:       Oh my, is that the time? I thought this was a sixty-second interview?

Interviewer:      Well just a few more quick questions – as leader of the smurfs, your primary job is to ensure that all other smurfs get along, however ironically you seem to have a very short temper, often abusing smurfs if they disturb you in your laboratory. Why?

Papa Smurf:       You try running a family full of hyperactive little blue people. It’s stressful.

Interviewer:     Have you got a computer?

Papa Smurf:       No.

Interviewer:     Because I’ve been looking for smurf village on Google Earth, and I can’t seem to find it?

Papa Smurf:       That’s because I have protected it with a magic charm. Humans can’t find it, even on Google Earth. Plus Brainy installed a surface-to-space missile programme to take out overhead satellites.

Interviewer:      Do smurfs believe in sustainable practice?

Papa Smurf:       We invented it.

Interviewer:      Well would you mind having a word with Popeye? I don’t think he really recycles his spinach cans.

Interview with a cartoon hero: Popeye

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