Visionary, magic man, genius. Papa Smurf is in the hot-seat.
Interviewer: So, Papa Smurf, when did you first realise you were a communist?
Papa Smurf: What the smurf do you mean?
Interviewer: Well, you wear red, you have a Marxist beard, and the whole structure of smurf society is based upon common ownership.
Papa Smurf: Smurf smurf smurf
Interviewer: I’m sorry…what?
Papa Smurf: I just answered your question.
Interviewer: Did you? Would you mind giving me an English translation?
Papa Smurf: (sighs) I said: “Oh, I see. Well, many years ago I concocted a potion that allowed me to travel through time to the future. When I was there I saw the economic difficulty humans had encountered and decided it would be best to dispense with a monetary system altogether. Using pure skills and favours makes us invulnerable to recession and also bypasses the nitty-gritty politics that might lead a smurf to be too big for their smurfs.” You see? It’s easier to say all of that in smurf.
Interviewer: Wow, you said all of that with just one word?
Papa Smurf: No, I said it all with three words. Keep up.
Interviewer: Of course, my apologies. So what’s it like to be three apples high?
Papa Smurf: Very comfortable when you are in smurf village, but a lot more cumbersome when you are in human land. I’ve been pushing for councils to improve smurf access in a number of public buildings. Also, being three apples high can be dangerous since we fit neatly into a cooking pot, and Gargamel always seems to want to boil us.
Interviewer: Yes, Gargamel is a complex man. What’s his beef with the smurfs?
Papa Smurf: He thinks that we are a vital ingredient to his research into alchemy, but he needs the Philosopher’s Stone to make it all work. I don’t think he realises Dumbledore still has it. He needs to get out more.
Interviewer: Who would win in a fight between you and Dumbledore?
Papa Smurf: I’m over half a millennium old and I’ve got mad skills when it comes to potions. That’s all I’m smurfing for now.
Interviewer: Smurfs seem to be a largely patriarchal society. There are only three female smurfs, and none of them are known for their particular skill. Why is this?
Papa Smurf: Smurf smurf smurf
Interviewer: Er…care to elaborate? Why is there a disproportionate number of male smurfs?
Papa Smurf: Oh my, is that the time? I thought this was a sixty-second interview?
Interviewer: Well just a few more quick questions – as leader of the smurfs, your primary job is to ensure that all other smurfs get along, however ironically you seem to have a very short temper, often abusing smurfs if they disturb you in your laboratory. Why?
Papa Smurf: You try running a family full of hyperactive little blue people. It’s stressful.
Interviewer: Have you got a computer?
Papa Smurf: No.
Interviewer: Because I’ve been looking for smurf village on Google Earth, and I can’t seem to find it?
Papa Smurf: That’s because I have protected it with a magic charm. Humans can’t find it, even on Google Earth. Plus Brainy installed a surface-to-space missile programme to take out overhead satellites.
Interviewer: Do smurfs believe in sustainable practice?
Papa Smurf: We invented it.
Interviewer: Well would you mind having a word with Popeye? I don’t think he really recycles his spinach cans.