Quiz! Guess the sport

Following a routine inspection of our planet by an alien last year, the following report was written. In it they listed a number of activities they had observed humans performing. Can you guess the sport? Answers are at the bottom of the page.

1)      Two humans take it in turns to visit a table during the course of an evening. While there, a third human (the waiter I think) watches on curiously and begins to count in sporadic intervals between one and seven. The other dinner guests remain removed from this activity, sitting in their hundreds at a distance from the three humans. At no point in the evening is any food consumed at the table.

2)      Humans roam across the land. Sometimes on foot, sometimes with servants carrying their arsenal. Their bloodlust is unparalleled, for they will intermittently bash the earth with their metal batons, often causing large holes to occur. The rest of their army watches on in silence and does not enter the fray, choosing instead to observe the battle from a distance.

3)      Humans wage war against a fortified machine by launching cannonballs at its defences. Particularly devastating sallies are curiously rewarded with the presentation of a large turkey.

4)      Despite being bi-pedal land animals, humans flirt with the possibility of death by submerging their oxygen-dependent bodies in water. They then attempt to avoid drowning by thrashing their arms in a hysterical manner, causing large swells in the water to occur. Others watch on and do nothing, except cheer when the first survivor reaches the wall of this death trap and is able to support their body.

5)      The society of humans often stigmatise behaviour deemed unusual, however the one exception to this rule is when a human decides to ambulate in the following manner: First they must break into a run, then when this is nearing completion they settle for taking an abnormally long stride using only one leg. They then switch legs before, bizarrely, hurling themselves into a bed full of rock particles.

6)      Over an improbably long period of time, a special liquid is consumed, formed by the immersion of leaves in water along with the juice of a cow. In addition to this an assortment of cakes are often digested. All of this culinary peculiarity takes place while a number of hostages remain enclosed within a large boundary of white rope. The hostages take it in turns to be tortured, as a projectile comprised of wood is hurled at their bodies at over eighty miles an hour.

7)      Again humans wage war, except this time it is with each other. Taking it in turns, they use a taught mesh implement to launch a yellow death-ball at phenomenal velocity. They then both struggle to defend their lives, swotting the ball away before they incur a fatal injury. A net, along with enslaved children, capture the debris from this carnage while a third human, sitting in an impossibly large chair, surveys the battlefield. Before and after each episode the humans ritually wipe moisture away from the sweat glands located in the head.

8)      Contrary to the thermal properties of their skin, humans choose to live in an uninhabitable environment surrounded by great snow and ice. While there, they build an ice tunnel for transport. Wearing nothing more than a thin shield of polymers, the humans then attempt to defy the long standing laws of gravity by encasing themselves, four at a time, in a metal tube. However, their journey falters every time, and soon their vehicle slides away through the ice tunnel at deadly levels of speed. If they survive, the humans seem positively pleased with themselves, and often return to the start of the tunnel to do it all again. At no point is any cargo deposited that would indicate the journey was of necessity.

The Philosophical Bear likes a challenge, so if you can think of any descriptions of your own, post them below!

Answers: 1) Snooker; 2) Golf; 3) Ten pin bowling; 4) Swimming; 5) Triple-jump; 6) Cricket; 7) Tennis; 8) Bobsleigh.

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