What do men really think about women’s clothes?

This contraption can induce medieval levels of torturous pain

Ever wondered what goes through the mind of a man as he attempts to compute the complexities of female fashion? Here is a glossary to help you find out:

a) Jumpers that aren’t jumpers

Mental Speech: “The structural integrity of the garment is insufficient for the purposes of thermal insulation”

Actual Speech: “That looks very summery”

b) Shoes that are death traps

Mental Speech1: “Using pascal’s unit of pressure, it would seem inadvisable to wear shoes with a surface area totaling 5mm for you weigh upwards of 50 kilograms and with the steady application of alcohol, as is your tendency through the course of the evening, maintaining equilibrium will become a dangerous, if not impossible task”

Actual Speech1: “I think the pumps look better than the heels”

Mental Speech2: “My dear, you have a selective memory, for if you would only cast your mind back but a brief few hours, you will remember that last night I had to carry you home, barefoot, because your last acquisition of formal footwear managed to mutilate your toes. Yet here we are, the next day, your eye drawn to the high-heeled torture chambers once more.”

Actual Speech: ‘”Sure, I can wait while you try on some shoes”

c) Clothing that does not clothe

Mental Speech: “I am unwilling to purchase the aforementioned garment for we live in the northern hemisphere, a place where the winters are cold, and no doubt I will have to sacrifice my own coat in an act of chivalry to protect you from it, something that has, in the past, led to numerous bouts of pneumonia”

Actual Speech: “Here you are dear. The top you’ve always wanted”

d) Dimensions that stay the same

Mental Speech1: “The manipulation of clothing articles will not alter the laws of physics. You have a finite amount of atoms and they will continue to exist, no matter how you dress them”

Actual Speech1: “Yes, that is a very slimming top”

Mental Speech2: “My sweetest darling, when we commenced our relationship, it was not based on the projection of future aesthetics, but on the condition of love, which never changes. Although you may think your BMI is fluctuating with surprising similarity to your mood, it is in fact staying pretty much the same.”

Actual Speech2: “You look beautiful my dear”

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